infamouspieman

"but her words destroyed my plant its all my fucking fault"

schools coming to an end. two tests today, that I'll hopefully do sufficient in. i want this semester to be over already. it's sort of hit or miss now with these classes. At least I know I aced one of them. Hopefully two of them. I've just been so goddamn lazy. I don't like living off campus, it sort of makes me lazy. i guess the school atmosphere did some good for me. I need to get a job. I know I've said that a million times but I really am broke now. I think I'll sell back a good amount of my books. Just to see how much money I can get back. too bad the only books I can sell back are the cheapest books I bought. Oh well.

more studying for 2 hrs then a final.

then more studying for 2 more hours and another final.

in between I'll be turning in my paper.

what an exciting day! at 7 p.m. I also have a GS holiday party or whatever. Happy holidays I guess.

-Neilio

The things that used to mean so much to me
Have gone the way of dinosaurs
Hopes and dreams and everything

All I want for you to be is happy or something
I guess anything is better than the time you spent
Hoping I got it sorted out

candid and surprising
misrepresented; I don't care
memories so inviting
You walk in, I'm so unprepared

painted with perfection
countless stars in eyes
staying calm as protection
try to not believe in lies

slowly disbelieving
I can't help it we all try
it's in reach; I'm achieving!
why why why!?

I'm not one to fall apart
I'm only one to fall in love
I'm not one to never start
I'm only one to always hug

no matter what you believe
no matter what is said
no matter whats the matter?
that's it; I'm going to bed.

"nobody said it was easy"

I revised my story, here's the link if you're Interested.

Thorns And Stars

:D

It's 7 a.m. and I'm still awake. I couldn't sleep last night. Not sure why. Lol I think I'm used to sleeping 2 hours now. I went to bed at 12:00 and woke up at 2:00 a.m. confused lol. Aside from that I've been working alot on my story. Taking little things from livejournal and adding it to it. I'm writing another chapter to fill a gap between two chapters. I feel like I'm doing way too much though for a short story haha. I like it alot though. It's like the epitome of what has collectively happened to me in the past. Sorta based on a true story but not really u know? Well if you know what I've been through you'll be able to pick apart little things here and there but it is mostly fiction. Very imaginative etc. Reading through my posts though I noticed I guess my voice. A voice I felt I've lost over the past years. Something that I was looking for that sort of made me feel like me u know? I think the one thing I loved the most about posting online about my life was having that voice that really spoke and came out clearly on this screen, on your computer, in whatever room you're reading this on. It was that voice that you could recognize and say "yeah, this post I'm reading of neil's that's Neil's voice!" I remembered old feelings that I haven't felt in awhile and I'm even writing more than the usual I'm stupid, I hate my life, or something dumb like that. Let's take a moment and be thankful for life and it's little gestures, that no matter how small or insignificant you might think they are, they're really what get you through day in and day out.

I might take a nap though, I've been up for awhile :P

RoAR! OutZ!

charming can be a note left
wandering my desk
unknown to the addressee
who sits there pondering

charming can be roses
simple and cliche
like folded up letters
shaped like hearts

charming can be a smile
another simple sweetness
blossoming from all that grief
covered in triumph

charming
in one word
can be
anything

falling aparts when
you feel your best years are done
you feel like all the best trophies
have been won

when you look back on past
days in the sun
and you can't forget about
all that reckless fun

falling apart can be
your stomach growing larger
your nights growing longer
and your heart growing smaller

but falling apart can also be
not something right for me
the last leaf falling
a bit farther from the tree

so all in all, falling apart
just aint me, cause if it was
I'd be left dead, laying on the floor
layered in apathy

granted I should be asleep
resting in this bed
with its lack of firm pillows
and small strange blanket

I lay awake restless
thinking on past holidays
wondering who wrote the book
on family gatherings and ideals

passing the infamous shopping
I oh so enjoy doing
for my wallet is of less pence
than the years prior

For I am the restless layer
awake only to find me
in the yous of past
I cannot see myself sleeping

restfully until
I make it mine
the heart, soul,
life, and mind

theres alot of noises around me, I haven't really slept today


and the people in the chair behind me keep bumping my chair.



I'm not annoyed, I just feel like people shouldn't be so rude.

Oh well.

I rewrote my story. It took about 2 hours to rework it all into the right tense.


Now I need a new ending.

so fucking

amazing right?

Adolescent

the world to me
a shiny place
left to wonder
try to erase

I hate this
well, I hate this too
we both hate this
not more to do

making the best
trying to dare
moving forward
"I'll try to be there"

worse night ever
picked apart by fights
get out of the darkness
turn on the lights

everything, everything 
seems worthless!
Sorry, I can't accept
that theres no cure for this!

lets take away the less
try to make some worth

13 days until my birthday. Pretty awesome I have to say. I need a job. my money is running out. I need a car too. I got a license though!

Hurray me!

anywho poem time.



I'm trying to get back to me
the me when i was carefree
someone so sweet
who roamed the street

adventurous, crazy and true
someone sort of like you
that would always have a plan
never really gave a damn

but not in a terrible way
always shy and sort of afraid
but still there in a heart beat
ready and willing to compete

a stranger and someone
that I used to know
I hope that person
will never ever go

I was afraid to move in one direction. But it was time I finally decided. I headed out into the world and found my place beside the rest of the blue collar workers. It was my last chance at redemption. My one last hurrah before I said goodbye world. But it fell short when I stepped off that bus. When that person walked up to me. When my trust was broken, and my wallet forcefully taken. When the panic hit me as I hit the floor. When I looked around and no one helped. Then I sat there blood streaming down the side of my head, in a puddle of my own sweat. I was breathing and alive, but I couldn't go to the interview like this. So I walked the twelve blocks home. I wiped the blood with my sleeve. Opened my door to my apartment and just said to myself, "fuck it."

We worked all summer,
buck after buck
was somehow matched
day after day.

Followed by the weekends
still at work but moved at home.
One sip followed three more
earning a place at the party.

Then came the mornings
rolling like a log out of bed.
Five minute shower to refresh;
pull in, get out, walk straight.

Standing at the register
holding back your guts
spouting, "Hello, how are you?"
while eyeing the water fountain.

I'd say, "Its always worth it."
The times shared and memories gained.
"And it will always be worth it."
Something so simply measured but not explained.

in pressing times
we press for forward answers
seeking salvation
in knowing the unknowning

i used to sit around
ponder lifes atrocities
seek out its own
mediocre romanticies

now I squander the earth
sit at bar stools, a fool
drinking beer with no fear
and excitement comes;

it flows in like waves at least
once every weekday

"consider this a letter that I never sent, however inconsiderate it seems"

this whole mornings been pretty much a dream. i was pretty out of it during the car ride to school. given it was 5 sumthin in the morning and 4 hours of sleep aint cuttin it anymore. anywho it wasnt the drive to school thats got me so strange feeling. its the dreams i had sleeping uncomfrotably in the library dome. i was on a beach somewhere, the water was sort of dark like how it is in ob, but i was walking to the mailboxes to check my mail. i guess i was on a trip somewhere and i haven't checked the mail in awhile. it was a concrete sidewalk with a pier to my left, and mailboxes to the right. an awning covered the walkway to the pier and i headed to the mailboxes. there were four perched on a pole attached to the railing in front of the awning. i accidently walked past the awning and mailboxes. when i noticed this i turned around and walked back towards them only to find that the people around me were running around frantically. I looked towards the sea and the pier to see a mass of water heading at me. during one instant the water sort of floated there, it was slowly heading towards me, but it was a huge wall moving at me and all i could do was stand there cover my nose like i usually do and become engulfed by this giant. i was swallowed by the sea and pushed towards the mailboxes. i then realized I was two stories up and if i fell from that height after the water passed i'd be hurting pretty bad so i grabbed onto the mailboxe pole as soon as i could see them while underwater. the watter passed i gripped the pole for dear life and for some odd reason i still checked the mail.

anywho what makes this dream a bit more strange was the fact that we're covering tsunamis in my geology class today. i just got done seeing pictures of what i dreamt about. it was really weird. i felt like I just lived the begining of the story i read except i was dreaming before i entered the classroom. anywho i'm still sleepy, and i want to sleep but I have to read. @_@!

"you quote the good book when its convient"

this is me avoiding homework. no not really, well kind of but in a way just taking time for myself. league of legends is an awesome game. i hate it because its like playin dota with leveling. which is dumb. cause like u level ur character but then u also level ur summoner etc. its strange and fun to do though.

i can't wait to get through classes today though. I'm scared of my culture project for this years filipino class. I'm horrible at it. I'm only good at the tests because he curves it, and I understand things but my vocab could use some boosting.

aside from that i'm sleepy and get to meet my GS mentor today. We're goin to grab a beer at some fancy smancy restaurant. Hurrah, I'm having a man date. lol


i should be reading other peoples stories, but i kinda wanted to write something right now, but this keyboard bothers me so I'm probably not going to. i think I'll just read their stories and be prepared for class like a good edamacated persons. anywho adios.

red roses
stars and thorns
pictures hanging
smiles torn

paper book writings
super hero tale
of someone fighting
but to of no avail

a hero found
desperately clinging to life
forever changing
disappearing into the night

meaning found in nothing
beautiful, super soul
I hope you are still loving
even after all you know

"theres a tear in the fabric of your favorite dress, and I'm sneaking glances"

It's my long day of school. I pace myself, find things to finish, make sure I do my best to make every deadline. I've been awake since 5:30 a.m. I sit and remember days when I used to not be able to sleep. How excited I could be. Fighting that miserable thing called sleep, but how rested I could be after giving in. Doing my best to be "grown up." To show self restraint is a maturity in its own magical way. I guess its the turning point between feeling young and reckless and getting older and cynical. Afterall you feel this sudden wave come over you where you feel you "have to" go to sleep. It dictates every bone and worsens the sleeping experience. I remember being depressed and not necessarily feeling like I "have to" go to sleep, but welcoming it as my get away. The bed, well my bed, with my awesome blanket and pillows was my one way ticket to sleep and dream land a place where I escape the reality of being torn apart by love and its disillusionment. Now I sit, probably 3-4 hours of sleep in me. Reading stories others have written and texting back and forth between my girlfriend. I have alot of wants. I have alot going on in my head. Priorities to straighten out, and goals to fulfill. Things to take care of and people to take care of me, while i return the favor. I still can't get over the fact that, if I could I'd quit this life I have and just play guitar to change the world. But I know, I'm not ready to give up on this career I'm after. I'll leave the rock star life as plan B. That's what it is after all, a dream that I hope will never let me down. As hopeful a guy as I am, I've fallen hard throughout the years. Even my livejournal has gotten rather dry. It's sat untouched for quite awhile until i felt some strange urge to write. To let the world know my mind is still in a state of confusion and then hand out those random anecdotes of fine inspiration. No, no inspiration yet, but when i find it, livejournal you'll always be the first one to know. time to get back to reading. The song on my ipod is almost over and I can feel the sleepiness taking over. As much as i want to get this stuff done, I can't help but want to say "fuck it." I'm sure we all have felt the same. But gah, I'll do it anyway. I've stalled long enough! goodbye interweb worlds.


ivory lines lead
oo wa hoo, oo wa hoo.
oh instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling

they don't tell you waht
you know you should want