How do I understand you and how do you understand me? It really is interesting this life we live in. How hallow one's judgement can get and then full in a matter of seconds. I'm pushing-no-pulling. I'm teetering and tottering. I'm travelling back to the age when I felt complete. I'm taking that next train to tomorrowland where Disney made you feel like the world of tomorrow was today. I'm embracing ideas and filling water jugs with hope. I'm not taking no for an answer and feeling sentimental at all the right times. I say the most obnoxious things but move hearts with these same lips. I am not perfect nor expect myself to ever be. I am a flawed individual but that doesn't mean no one can love me. In fact it was my flaws that made me love in the first place. Love the things about the world that cannot be changed only analyzed and put into letters. Letters, words and phrases for those of you to read on a screen. I am not afraid of what someone might want to understand or feel. I am even more unafraid of what the future might hold. I may be working today, but laid off tomorrow. I might not make it past 60 but feel I've lived a pretty damn good life. I'm here to be happy aren't you? To me happiness will always be a two way street with two very different spectrums. Growing up I found the joy in my sadness and the excitement in my best days. I was able to be happy from both ends. Happiness can be traveled backwards. It can be traveled forwards or it can not be traveled at all and simply lived. So smile because you're alive, we're alive and the world can only get brighter. Even when it dims there's still something to laugh about. The sun will always rise. 

The world floats it sits and turns on a dime. Life lingers and dwells on the tip of your tongue. Do we say the right things? Do we move the correct heart strings. Sometimes its hard to tell while you're at your lowest of lows and down for the count. Sometimes it just takes time but do you want to leave? You question it everytime and I'm starting to wonder about it. Trying to piece it together and take it from your perspective. Is it enough to just want this to work or are we falling apart. It has me wondering if too much worrying of later versus now is clouding your judgement. I'm not hard to get along with. 

You can't tell the future. You can feel what's now. Right now I feel happy, I'm happy with you but I'm happy without  but not in that sense where we're broken up or where I never get to see you. I'm happy and looking forward to the next time I get to see you. I'm happy apart because I know I'll get to see you if not the next day then the day after that. That in turn is enough for me to keep you in my mind. Even when I'm doing other things at the time, you're still on my mind.

I know its hard to see now. Only because work has been kicking my ass and I never feel like I have a second to think. That's all this is really about though is having that down time. I need it. Even if you're afraid I'll need it and go away for days its not true. Living together is a completely different entity. I've tried it and it scares the hell out of me. I'm not distancing myself because of lack of love for you. Its to recharge. To gather myself, my goals. and list them. Its to place foundations for future things. I've been working nonstop for a year now and I'm tired. I'm so tired. There's really no excuse for me wanting to spend time doing other things other than I want to do them. You take it and perceive it how you want to. All I know is I love you and if you can't see that then its a damn shame. I'll have to try a lot harder now won't I?

When I kiss your lips
I start to reminisce
Of the days before
When my heart would soar

And if I'm dreaming
I'll never get enough rest
You can feel my love beating
Just place your hand on my chest

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

So I'm starting again. Mostly because I felt that even with the advent of how the last book ended. I still felt there was more left to tell about Chad, Helen, Tim and Bill's story. So  here's the beginning of book two. I hope it's to your liking. 
( Part 1: New Roads )

We found it suitable to suit each other. As the rain fell and the show sat silent and still stop the mountain peaks. Pleasant days with plenty of smiles and time to hitch rides with friends who miss you. Good times and great food. Then a night ended hooding each other tightly listening to music even though I know you can't fall asleep to it, it helps me write and to get these feelings down on paper, a screen, the internet or whatever. Day one has been fun. Good night!

I used to wonder if the world would fall away once I died. Was it all meant for nothing? Growing up life doesn't need meaning. You just knew it was there, in the things you did, the things you do, in the people you met. Those same kids on the street, that you rode your bike with through the nights. Life was simple. 

Then you grow up and suddenly it feels like a race against everyone. You have to worry about working, worry about where you live. Where's happiness when you need it? Trapped in memories, those memories that you carry with you into the work day. But you can't lose yourself completely in working. You're never really working for someone else. You have to be working for you. 

The person you are as you witness those days that are seem to be neverending, well that person comes with you everywhere you go. As you grow it may get locked deep down inside of you but its still there smiling. Waiting to hold your mother's hand, or to be carried away when you've fallen asleep in the car. You can go as far as to say, memories aren't meant to trap happiness, they're meant to share it. To allow you to embrace it. 

When I was asked to do something, I did nothing. I sat, I spun around, I lost my way. I found it slowly, voices, they screamed at me. Eyes peered into mine. There was an air of seriousness. An air that told me, "Neil you're messing up, come back" but in an angrier tone but who could blame them. This wasn't just my future. It was theirs. Their future, and they wanted to defend it. They wanted it to be secure. To keep moving up. To keep making that difference. 

I now have month, to make a difference. A huge difference. To right the wrongs, to fix the loose ends, to make phone calls like a madman. I've remembered what it was I wanted to do when I got into this job. I wanted youth to go to school. To attend college, to tell them it gets hard, but I did it so you can too. That is my main driving force. That is where I'll build my fire and let it burn higher. 

Anyway I'm done rambling back to music, and work.

So what's new? I almost lost my job today. It was frightening. This whole week has been stressful, but one thing stands true, its that stupid Nike saying, "Just do it." That's all I've needed to do at work for the past months, and sitting back, not doing it, has costed me greatly. It took alot for me to say, "I'll fix it, and it won't take weeks or months" this time around. Especially when your boss the week before says, "I have zero confidence in you," and then your Boss' Boss is pissed off at you because you're giving your boss hell. 

I'm great at my job, but the program I was running was not for me. I think this shows but at the same time I've grown alot from running it. It was being shown that I was a drone at work, it took being almost fired to make me realize I'm being an idiot. A complete idiot. This is an opportunity that I'm letting escape me, and why am I doing that? Because I want to go to grad school already? Because I want to travel the world?

Those things can wait. Right now I have something in front of me that could possibly turn into something bigger. And it keeps getting bigger. Philip Rivers has signed onto help fund our Young Men's program. That's freaking crazy. I must be an idiot to think this is going nowhere because this job will grow and grow. It just needs some structure, and if my boss can do it, getting paid a dollar more than me years ago all by herself then I can do it too.